Tuesday, December 1, 2009

inbetween my finger tips

I dont know how many times things have been in my grasp only to let them slip through my finger tips. Most people could shrug it off and say "hey, I like a challenge." but honestly I don't. I hate this challenge. I hate waking up every morning with the cards stacked against me. I hate waking up and gambling with my life, just by answering a simple yes or no question. Most nightmares end when yo wake up, thats usually when mine begins. I am a drug addict.
My name is Alex Grover and I am A heroin junkie. Any opiates that promise 3 hours of a complete mind-numbing alternative reality have clenched my life in between there fingertips. As weak as that may sound, you have to be one of the strongest people I would know to have to live day in and day out with this problem. Any time I build up any trust, and self worth heroin destroys it with one quick blast from a needle. It has taken my true friends and replaced them with generic strung out faces, it has lied to my family and told them there is no hope, but most of all it has taken my freedom physically and mentally.
I was just released from El Dorado Correctional Facility the day before Thanksgiving. Although physically I was let go,Heroin Addiction keeps your mind trapped  within its own confines and walls made of doubt despair and resentment. I have traveled many miles with these as my only companions. Once let go the only thing to focus on was my loving family. Let me fill you in they are the greatest gift anyone could have, I almost would go to say that I do not deserve love that unconditional. I spent all day with my parents on Weds. They took me to get a hair cut, shave buy a new wardrobe, basically re-intergrate me into this cruel world. 
Thursday, was anything short of fantastic, I spent time with my whole family that I have drifted farther apart from over the past 5 years of addiction, I laughed told jokes and talked about my plans for the future for the first time in my life without there being a needle involved with the short future. I ate comfortably. That night I got home and checked my facebook. Which was when my heart shattered. This girl that I am ecspecially fond of had now found a new boyfriend and she neglected to tell me. That night I also made plans to hang out with one of the only individuals who had sobered up since my incarcertaion. 
Him and I went to the legends to look for jobs. Its funny how things work out because as soon as and overwhelming blanket of pity wrapped around me about the girl, I saw a past drug dealer. Unfortunately before thinking of 9 months clean time being shattered the money was thrust into his hand and I was speed walking to the bathroom.
Once inside, time stood still, the click of the lighter. The milky color of the liquid coping skills made me salivate. Looking back I think I reverted to a primitive being. I have come to realize my decision making skills completely shut down and it has now turned to a motor skill that is done unconcsiously. Seconds later, clouds surround me and everything in the world is great, Things make absolute sense, and suddenly opiates aren't that bad. 
It is short lived though, Once out of the bathroom, I feel guilty. I know I am stronger than this, and I know I care about myself enough to fight through the artifical bliss and know that what I had done was wrong. Suddenly I feel sick and regretful which I am used to after 5 years of these feelings. So I do what another self respecting junkie does. I hide away my feelings and light another cigarette.

7 comments:

  1. this is very raw. i ran into an old using buddie the other night at a meeting, my first reaction was to run. but i was leading the meeting. he was now in treatment. i have heard stories of members sharing when they finally meet ghosts of their pasts they are grateful, i wasn't, this man stuck a needle in my arm and kept me high for a year. when he walked away i had no choice but to come into the program no one else could hit my veins. i was scared because there he was and after almost 5 years that was close. so i led the meeting and danced with my honey and we left for the evening. i still haven't told my sponsor about it. i need to call her. great post.

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  2. its such a nice & Awesum blog provide info
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  3. Here's my story batteling with addiction,

    http://lifesexperiencesandinspiringmoments.blogspot.ca/2012/12/through-eyes-of-recovering-addict.html

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  4. I hope that this comment is directed to Mom and Dad. this story well written and so much of my story in it and as i said if this comment is read by mom and dad, you guys are great what you have done and are doing for your son is awesome, I even though have a loving parent my mother, its always been difficult for her to understand why her prefect son how's has such a difficult time concurring this issue, the one who's always shown to be stronger than his siblings in almost all aspect of life how could he let so small( as she see it) a problem distroy his life?

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  5. A human being is a being who had a purpose in creation.
    Evolution is a long way to perfection.
    Everything in life passe experience and we use these experiences in living day to day.
    And now we know the que Certain attitude does not make us better in our evolution, will be worth nothing back and have this experience.
    We leverage on our behalf things good and bad, good is good and bad make us think we are not worth it.
    The universe is very large and this waiting for us to understand it.
    The stuff life is temporary and quickly, the team Should be used, bearing walk forward and not back in Things not make us better is a great good idea ...
    A friend straight from Brazil
    Carlos.

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